Stephens Gap Wedding

I didn't want to get married at Stephens Gap. I tried to talk Ben into other places. But he can be tenacious, and I would give him the world, so he won. Stephens Gap used to be a wonderland for me, my favorite cave, my favorite pulldown. 

But I have since almost died in the pulldown on a high water day. I got swept over the edge in a raging waterfall, and I had to be hoisted back up because I didn't have the strength to fight against the water. And I also responded to three body recoveries in the cave over the years. I try not to remember the details when I look at the main pit. It's much easier in the day time because rescues are usually at night when people realize someone has not come back. I used to set aside all of my feelings to keep my fellow rescuers safe. But PTSD has wrecked my ability to manage adrenaline, and I worried about this plan. 

I agreed to do what Ben wanted, but I knew I couldn't actually rappel over the very exposed edge into a pit I have pulled so many out of. So, what y'all didn't see is that I didn't actually rappel from the keyhole to the pedestal in my floofy dress. 

Here's the actual sequence of events: 

1. Rigging floofy dress for safely rappelling. 

I wanted to wear black, and I already owned a black dress that would work. I saw no point in buying something that I would damage. So, no shopping required. I decided that there was no way to do this that didn't involve wearing leggings and then the harness with the dress over it all. The problem is that you need a place for the rope to go between your legs when you climb and rappel, and you need a place for the gear to emerge. I decided I wanted a reverse bustle of sorts, and Ben and I tied up the front of the dress, rolled up, with paracord. My harness and gear were beneath it, with the exception of my croll.  (chest attachment) 

I like to call this picture--"Are you seriously not going to help me get out of this nonsense?!" 😆 But you can see the dress rolled up with the harness beneath. I wore black leggings the day of because I am *so* stylish. 

2. Getting there with gear and rigging. 

We had to hike in with ropes, vertical gear, and formal wear. Even with our friends along, it was a lot. 

Amata also surprised me with something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. 

Brian rigged the main rope while Ben and I changed into formal wear and worked with Amata below. 

She rigged the safety line to the pedestal. The pedestal seems safe to people to climb to, but it's 50 feet to the ground. I will take no chances; I used ascenders to clip to the rope and downclimb so that I didn't die from tripping on the floofy dress. Amata and Brian also brought radios so that we had a prayer of communicating over the raging water. 

3. Having a plan for getting the photos efficiently. 

I knew I couldn't do that long rappel into the pit in the pile of delicate fabric. So, I climbed down on the safety line to the pedestal. Then, I frogged up to the point Amata motioned to. (Radios were not so useful with the water raging like it was. But Amata is amazing with signs and making new ones up.) I changed over eventually and did the world's slowest rappel for photos. The groom had plenty of time to crack jokes on the pedestal. 

The dress kept getting caught on the velcro from the knee pads. 

Ben was making me laugh because he'd heard what I was supposed to be doing, and I had done the opposite. Of course. 

Here's that safety line I mentioned. 

And at the end of the trip, Ben rappelled his new deepest pit. 

Overall, I am glad I capitulated. Ben has taken so many places I have terrible memories of and given me such amazing new moments that I am having the world restored to me--cave by cave, room by room. Stephens Gap is no longer a place I have recovered so many from. It's the place I married Ben. And my memory is now like the cave itself--more light than darkness. 

Green Grotto (Trip 4): Climbing Out of My Memories

There's a weird symmetry to repeatedly being asked to go to Green Grotto Cave. It's the first cave I took the man who attacked me to. I never thought I would go back, and this year I am on my third trip somehow. 

Ben agreed to take an enthusiastic newbie there after he found it while lost on the preserve. (It's not really a good first cave trip, but when you're eighteen, you're immortal, right?) 

I enjoyed the hike. I've learned to slow down and enjoy the details around me, but it's not something teens are good at. And I did my best to keep up with the tall people. 

When we got to the cave, the waterfall at the entrance was roaring, and the crevice I normally climb down was pouring water. 

That wasn't ideal, but I prefer to rig a rope and tie a hasty harness with two ascenders. It's about a six-foot climb down, and I can downclimb that way or Texas up. Still, I did not enjoy looking for the right footholds in the waterfall. Ben was chivalrous and stood in the water to tell me where to place my feet. 

Water pooled at the bottom. It was dry on my last couple of trips. We went on to the main passage, and we pushed through the cheese grater crawl so that we didn't need to do the 25-ft. drop with the non-vertical new caver, Nate. I usually don't mind squeezes at all, but PTSD has changed my life. Things that used to induce adrenaline and be manageable are panic attacks now. I was okay wedged sideways in the rock, cursing the squeeze that wanted to take my pants with it. But there was a small stream of water flowing from the top of the crack. At the peak of misery with my hips wedged, the stream was in my face and water filled my ear. I started hyperventilating and questioning my life choices. (Nate didn't know this. He'd already gone through and Ben coached me from the other side.) 

I could be one of those women who shoe shops on the weekend. Their ears aren't full of water while they are stuck between limestone walls. 

I wriggled until I got out, with Ben encouraging me from the far side. He's much taller than I am, but I am considerably curvier. I'm not sure who has it worse in that crawl. 

I have gotten particular about who I cave with. Some people think less of you if you hyperventilate over things that used to be easy for you or that are easy for everyone else. And some people can't handle a person panicking at all. Ben is used to it after the year living together, and he doesn't try to turn me around, he just gives me what I need to make it through. 

My struggle was rewarded with a waterfall view immediately. 

We took a side trip to the dome, but Nate wasn't so certain about that climb up. It's exposed and not very easy, especially with water pouring over the side. I was relieved when he decided not to push his luck, and Ben climbed back down. 

I had been pointing out fossils and water flow along the way. There's a tantalizing spot in this cave where all of the water flows into the floor. Dig project, anyone?

We went onward next towards the sand room. There's a nastily slick spot where you can slide into a stagnant pool along this path. Ben grabbed me because I lack the six-foot span to reach the handholds. He kept me from going into the water once for sure. 

We climbed down into the lower slot and went on to the sand room, soaking wet and covered in grit soon after. I had explored all reaches of the room before, so I didn't feel the need to see every slope again. I sat down and drank in the room while Ben and Nate climbed into the new-to-them spots. I love the bacterial colonies on the rocks and the water droplets sparkling in my light. 

After sitting still for a few minutes, I let Ben know that he was going to have to snuggle me if we didn't get moving. Hypothermia is a not insignificant risk after you've been drenched in cave water. 

(We'd all been wearing masks, too. And that was drenched as well. So far, I have had no difficulty caving in a mask, but if they get wet, you can't breathe in them so easily anymore. I stubbornly kept it on until we got out of the cave, when I got some distance on the trail from Nate.)

We retraced our steps, and I made it through the crawl without panicking this time. I went first to set up for photos. 

                     Ben in the misery. 

And we were out in short order after the crawl was done. Every time I go back, my memories have something new to coat over my past. And this time, it's a feeling of beauty and of compassion as Ben quietly helped me, almost so that no one knew I needed help. 

Limrock Cave

Ben and I took the kids to Limrock Cave today with Amata and Brian. It's always amazing to have more adults than kids on a trip, so we happily accepted their trip invitation. 

My daughter wears out quickly on cave trips, so we'd discussed splitting groups when she became tired along the way. The water was low near the entrance, nothing to worry about, and we stoop walked into the cave, soon hearing the first waterfall pounding the rocks. I longed to stay and soak in the sight, but my crazy kids were unamused that the cave is sucking cold air in near the entrance at this time of year. 

Brian walked down the rickety metal beam near the entrance, and I instructed the younger kids in sliding down the bank into the stream. Alex was immediately dismayed. You may not know this, but water is wet. And cave water is cold and wet. He paused at every stream crossing and whined as the rest of us either accepted that feet get wet while caving (or were wearing knee-high boots). Lilly pranced through the streams thrilled with her hot pink galoshes--because the water wasn't over the top...yet. 

We made it to our first turn to avoid the stream passage continuation, and Alex was still devastated about the wet shoe situation. I offered to go back to the car with him, but he said he didn't want that. However, we did remove the boots, dump the water out, and continue on with grousing. For once, I was ready to just walk in the water, and my son wanted someone to crawl atop the clay banks near the ceiling with him to stay out of the water. So, away I went. 

We went the crawly way on to the lovely rimstone dams, and we made it to the waterfall and 70-foot dome. After that, we fed the kids because Alex was ready to have a tantrum. (A lot of that is hanger with him.) And all spirits were higher after that.

Photo taken by Amata Hinkle of Sunguramy Photography. 

We continued on through The Raceway. And I pointed out the places people had grafittied to the kids and discussed why we shouldn't do this...for the umpteenth time. It seemed worse than I remembered with huge scratches into the ceiling for no good reason. In some ways, the scratches are worse. They are harder to clean and hide. And the more grafittied a place is, the more people think it's okay to leave their mark, too. 

By the time we got to the register room, Lilly and Alex were flagging. Lilly had continued because Ben had promised her a candy bar at the halfway point. Ben added our names to the notebook in the register, and Brian, Alex, Lilly, and I headed back out. Aiden and Ben had never been to the end of the cave and wanted to go all of the way through the second breakdown. 

A crystalized crinoid. Photo by Amata Hinkle. 

Photo by Amata Hinkle. 

We took the kids on a detour on the way out to Caramel Falls. That view never gets old for me; the way the water carved away the stone layers until they look like wood grain is breathtaking. 

But Lilly got her feet wet on the way. The water finally went over the top of her boots, and she reacted exactly as her brother did. I think she barely noticed the flabbergasting view because she instantly had to empty the boots. 😆

We squelched in our sloshy boots the rest of the way out and hiked the short distance to the car, beginning the long wait. Three interminable hours later, we saw headlights in the darkness coming towards the car. Aiden was on cloud nine because he got to finally go somewhere only grownups usually got to go. And the most relatable pose is the one Ben is currently striking. 

As usual, many thanks to Amata and Brian for the company and awesome photos! And we are always grateful to the SCCi for preserving caves for future generations. 

Rusty's Cave--Trip 2

Caving has been different with PTSD. Since my attack, I thought so many kinds of things. I thought maybe if I caved, I would feel like myself again. I beat myself up for not loving everything I used to love. And over the last year, I have finally put my finger on my love/hate relationship with caving. 

I was always petrified of heights, but I enjoyed overcoming my fear before. I felt the adrenaline rush and loved it. But now my body is always full of adrenaline. My body always thinks we might die, someone might kill us, no matter what I am doing. Now, adding extra adrenaline has meant panic attacks at times. 

I have had peaceful trips with my kids, never doing anything too scary. And I have overcome discomfort on rope to teach Ben how to rappel, to belay him at the bottom of pits. But I still crave cautious trips. Today's choice seemed to fit that bill. I remembered Rusty's Cave as an easy, happy trip. We got our permit beforehand, and we ventured out early this morning. It's a bit of a drive, so we got to the preserve at 10:00. After turning too soon, we had some bushwhacking to make it to the pit entrance. (Alexander had the forethought to plug coordinates into his app before we left.) 

The pit entrance was as I remembered it, but there was a bolt this time for easier rigging. Alexander rappelled first, followed by Ben. I talked Ben through everything. It was his second vertical cave rappel, and I worried, though I shouldn't have. 

I have more vertical experience than the others, so I went last. But it all feels new after the attack, new with PTSD on top of old fears. And I was shaky and determined as I rigged in. I tested my rack and rappelled the 35 feet to the others. The drop is close for half and then opens up to a free hang for the last 15 feet or so. 

We took off our gear when we landed in the stream, no further vertical required. I insisted we go to the right and see the formation galleries I remembered. I craved beautiful sights along the way. And quickly I was rewarded with columns and draperies. A bit of scrambling over breakdown yielded a forest of formations and soda straws.

I played with catching water droplets in photos until Alexander and Ben lost all patience and insisted we move on. (There's more cave!) 

I loved the microrimstone and every pristine white formation. I am choosing to see hope in the heavily trafficked places that everyone still leaves untouched. 

This is Alexander's wall. "Brandi, you've got to appreciate these layers. It's geology!" It also happens to be where we had lunch. 

I loved this dome. I crawled through a watery spot and into a constant rain to see it. And the guys are standing in the drips to light it all up. 

Here are the guys standing in the drip zone. They were mostly good natured about being my lighting crew. 

And the pictures stop here, but the story doesn't. I don't do well with heights anymore. I used to straddle canyons in Fern, but I always hated exposure. I took time with careful placement of feet and hands not nearly as long as Ben's, as I followed in giant footsteps. There were no serious drops, probably never more than 20 feet. But it was still that extra adrenaline in my flooded system. We made it into a crawl area with stream and cobbles. I opted to not continue while Alexander and Ben relished the misery. I stayed behind in a warm spot with the only bat I saw. And I reviewed my photos, thrilled with my progress. 

I was tired as we routed and turned back to the entrance, but still in good spirits until we got back to the dome and canyon section. We did a lot of up and down through there to find the best route earlier. And I was frustrated because the guys told me to climb up and then decided about three steps later that I should really stay down. *Facepalm* I haven't learned my PTSD adrenaline/cave limit yet. I had a panic attack today on the ledge when I had to get back down after. To their credit, Ben held me, and Alexander produced a Snickers when I was not at my best. 

I remained at the lower, grabbier, tighter level as much as I could. And I barely noticed the formations that enthralled me before. We got back to our gear pile, and Ben climbed out first. I went next, and I was grateful to frog out. I felt so sure on the rope, climbing back to the top. Then, Alexander made it out, and we packed up. Our hike out was much easier than going in because we had a trail this time. And my spirits were a bit lifted to make it to the car before dark. (Unlike so many Byars trips before!)

Many thanks to Ben and Alexander for working with me and to the Southeast Cave Conservancy for preserving caves for all. If you enjoyed my photos and trip report, please consider donating to the SCCi here. 

Sheldon's Cave

Yesterday, I was invited to tag along on a trip to Sheldon’s Cave. I’d been a few years ago after an Alabama Cave Survey meeting and done the horizontal portion, but I’d never rigged it from the very top of the entrance and rappelled to the bottom. So, I jumped at the chance to get outside with a few awesome Huntsville Grotto members. I met Rebecca, Alexander, Eric, and David at the HIG. (Hardee’s In Gurley, for non-locals)

I love the quirkiness of cavers. Rebecca started the trip in a caverly fashion, raising the hood on her car and disconnecting her battery. “It’s just got an electrical issue that I isolated to the door. It’ll drain if I don’t disconnect it. This is working for now.” I had to laugh because it’s so typical of a grotto of engineers and the stubborn caver personality. Rebecca and I carpooled with David, and we headed to the outskirts of Scottsboro.

Once we’d parked on the side of the road, everyone eyed my ridiculous pack. I knew about the rain we’d had, and I knew about the waterfall at Sheldon’s. I wasn’t taking chances on hypothermia, and my wetsuit was taking up considerable space in the pack. I also wasn’t taking chances on not having a rescue plan either, so my pulleys and extra webbing, and all of the carabiners were in the pack, along with the things that make life worth living—lentil soup and enough brownies for everyone. So, burdened with about one-third of my body weight, I followed the others, slowly, but without complaint.

The ACS point for where we wanted to be was not quite right, and I just knew that we were about to climb to the top of the wrong ridge for no good reason, but we picked a stream bed, and it turned out to be the right place. The path was worn from water eating its way down the mountain. And I panted my way up the rocky slope with 1/3 a Brandi’s weight. I felt vindicated as I heard the water roaring before I saw the entrance.

Sheldon's Cave Entrance

The entrance was as I remembered it, but with more water cascading down at a higher volume than I recalled. Alexander eyed the tree he wanted to rig, and we climbed higher, beyond the entrance to rappel down over the cave’s gaping mouth. We took our time climbing to the rig tree, and I began to dig through my pack. Wetsuit first. We imagined that the bottom could be watery and that getting off rope might not be possible. But I didn’t plan to let a thing like freezing water stop me. I did the awkward dance-shuffle-jump that is putting on a dry wetsuit. (They don’t get wet before cavers need to put them on usually.) It clung to every inch of my legs and thighs, not wanting to rise no matter how I tugged. Rebecca helped me zip it up, and I thought that dry wetsuits are really more like caving corsets—breathing optional miseries.

Alexander and David rigged a tensionless hitch and padded the rocky edges that seemed the most threatening.

Alexander on rope. 

They rappelled to the bottom, and Eric, Rebecca, and I waited at the anchor, lounging and taking pictures of creatures and plants. 

Eric rappelled next, and then Alexander climbed out, gleefully telling us that we’d remain dry during the rappel and suggesting we rappel next.

I remained deeply skeptical and was already chilled from the overcast sky. So, I kept the wetsuit on and got on rope. There was no point in calling on rope to anyone. No one in the bottom could hear over the roaring falls. I saw there was slack in the rope, and I rigged my rack onto the rope and tested it. (I haven’t been caving as much after my recovery from a recent attack, and I was more nervous than usual.) I went smoothly on my feet down the slope before I got to the first rope pad and the next edge that swiftly followed. I have always been scared of heights, but I have become less afraid over time with repetition and learning to trust my gear. But I felt my old fear creep around me like a second skin as I paused to negotiate the last edge. It was 90 degrees, and I would be in a free hang over the drop. It’s the sort of rappel I’ve always hated—wide open, no walls, and plenty of light to see exactly how far I can fall. I don’t mind 300 ft. if it’s enclosed and dark. I took the edge on my knees, as I usually do, and leaned back to clear the rappel rack from the edge. My heart slowed its double time slightly when I went into the routine of rappelling again.

I was scared when I cleared the edge, adjusting the bars at the precipice. I have spacers on my rack, and I usually can’t rappel on more than five bars. But that’s on dirty 11mm rope. And this was very clean rope. I was scared of moving too fast, and I added another bar. I laughed at myself, where no one could hear me above the water’s roar. I was dangling over the falls and not locked off, but not going anywhere on six bars. I went back to five bars, business as usual, and told myself to relax and enjoy the ride to the ground.

I couldn’t believe the flow rate, and I wondered how I would stay out of the water, but the rope was rigged just far enough away. And I landed in a damp patch of rocks, not far from pieces of a ladder that looked like it was thrown into the pit. I removed the rack from the rope and waited for the adrenaline to subside.

Shakier than I should be, I put one leg in front of the other and went to see the waterfall at the side of the drop, rushing down into the next available path and drop. And I couldn’t resist taking picture of the tail-less salamanders clinging to the decrepit ladder.

Rebecca came down next, and then David began to climb, followed by Eric. 

David climbing out of the pit. 

I shed the top half of the wetsuit so that I wouldn’t overheat and got on rope after Eric tugged the rope up a few times so that I would know he was done climbing. Frogging in a wetsuit is inconvenient at best. My range of motion was not ideal, but I moved gracefully, feeling my old power return after my month of 5Ks. I was in awe of the falls as I ascended, able to pause and gape at them, 50 ft off the ground. I was struck by how much more majestic the view in front of me was than any cathedral I’ve been in. And I’ve been to St. Peter’s Basilica, so that’s saying something. Nature always leaves me in awe and reminds me that there’s so much left to see and do. I’m grateful to be present in those moments, suspended above vistas so few get to see.

I crossed back over the edge that had scared me earlier, more confident, but glad to be done with climbing. When I rejoined the guys at the rig tree, I savored the cotton candy sky. Pinks and blues brushed the edge of the horizon, and I was grateful to bear witness to it. After Rebecca finished her climb up (and on one leg, like the badass and stubborn caver that she is), I distributed the brownies, and the de-rigging alacrity was borne of all our desires to find dinner. We found a beautiful trail we’d missed on the way in, and made it back to the car in plenty of time to finish the day at Joe’s Pizza. There was a rightness to the fading adrenaline, the soreness setting into my muscles, and a stomach full of carbs. Like coming home.

Tom Pack Cave

Itching to be underground, I was thrilled when Mark suggested we go to Tom Pack Cave. I began to wonder what I’d gotten myself into as we bounced over rocks in a streambed, beating the shocks on Mark’s SUV. It didn’t feel like autumn, but the promise was there in the leaves drifting down. Mark had mentioned a few worrisome terms in our earlier planning discussion—“puddles” and “mostly horizontal”. These should be read as “underground river” and “you’re going to need rope”. I waffled on bringing my wetsuit and a full frog system. I settled on bringing gear to rig a safety as I climbed and grabbing extra shirts.

We hiked across the valley when the road was no longer passable, Mark and Tony humoring me with spider web clearing. I knew we’d reached the entrance when the air temperature dropped twenty degrees. And my dismay at the low ceiling must have been evident because Mark tried reassuring me, “It really opens up after the low airspace.” But I was looking at the cobblestones I’d have to drag myself across, close to the entrance, probably crawling with spiders, and my progress would be slow. I groused as I scraped my chest across the stones, “You could be a normal girl, Brandi. You could be shopping, doing your nails, baking right now, but, no, you have to go and volunteer to drag yourself across cobbles in a demented sense of fun.” By the time I was done questioning my life choices, I was nearly out of the risky spider zone. The key is to lie to yourself, to tell yourself everything that’s moving is crickets.

Upper level formations. Photo by Mark Ostrander. 

Tiny rimstone pools. Photo by Mark Ostrander.

The cave did indeed open up as promised, and I was thrilled immediately with the formations along the way. We did have to get our feet wet early on, but we never got into water above my knees, so I continued on, not frozen. I noticed the formations in this level were all white, gray, and black, sometimes starkly contrasting. Mark stopped for photos, and I brought out my food. I was completely at peace, sitting in the darkness with my peanut butter sandwich while he adjusted the lighting. I thought I was doing quite well after my recent caving hiatus, at least until Mark pointed at a ledge we were climbing up to see a formation gallery. Tony scrambled up with no problem, but I had to step up on Mark’s back to move on, gracelessly. I was thrilled to see what all of the fuss was about—crystals lining a pool, colorful sparkles catching my light at different angles, and giant draperies and enormous columns that I couldn’t stop gaping at. I took in the beauty I’ve missed for months and knew this forest of formations was well worth the spiders, the cobbles, and the water.

We had to clamber down next, and we followed the beaten paths in the cave, leaving the untrodden areas as they were. I was floored by how many cavers were preserving the area so well over the years, caving lightly. It gave me hope for wild areas staying beautiful. We reached the area where Mark stopped on his last trip, and I was optimistic at first. Mark free climbed a slope and wanted to know if I could do the same. It was about 25-30 ft. up to where he was. I took my first step up and instantly regretted it. I had no handholds for the next step up, no purchase in the too dry dirt. My fingers slid down. Frustrated, I called for the rope.

Mark and I had discussed the rope before the trip. (I’m cautious. I’ve got things to live for.) So, I tied my own harness, and Tony did the same. But the devil is in the details. Did it occur to me to ask what kind of rope? Nooooo. Of course not. Most of Mark’s ropes are dirty 11mm that I can barely move on. Just the way I like it—ALL OF THE FRICTION! But not this trip. This time, he tossed down 5mm rope. It looked like death string. But the engineers, literal rocket scientists with me, were insisting that it was well rated to hold my weight. I put my faith in their assessment and attached my safety to the rope. It held, though I doubted initially that it would catch. And I made my progress up the first 30 feet on the slope.

When I got to where Mark was, I got off rope on the landing in the breakdown, and Tony ascended next. Our climb spiraled up through the breakdown to the next level, but I was not at all certain about my capability or the exposure, so Tony went first on the second ascent. And as he cursed the very high, exposed climb, I knew I would need rigging. So, Tony re-rigged the rope, completely good natured as I nagged about just what kind of knot and anchor he was using. I ascended last, and there were a few stretches that made me wonder if I shouldn’t have brought a full climbing system. I thought I’d made it to the top, only to see another steep slope awaiting me. We untied our harnesses, and the webbing from Tony’s became our handline for the slope. At the top, we were surprised to find the cave register. The first names were from 1998! The paper was in remarkable condition for decades in the cave. But this level was dramatically warmer than the one below, dramatically drier as well. The dirt around me was much like Blue Spring Cave’s dirt, and I hoped to see gypsum here as well. We followed the well-beaten path to our next destination, clambering over breakdown piles along the way. At times, we were in completely level, huge passage, no obstacles in sight.

Pristine floor. Photo by Mark Ostrander.

Mark was determined to make it the Faith Room. And I went on, figuring we’d know it when we saw it. Eventually, the passage opened up in a flabbergasting fashion. The room below us was enormous, surrounded by breakdown piles the size of football fields and pristine mud below. Mark climbed to an edge, and we couldn’t see a way down, but he was not turning around when we’d come this far. I saw a tiny hole above a house-sized rock that I hoped to squeeze through because the other options were exposed to dramatic heights with terrifying fall potential. I made it through, and so did the others. We scooted, slid, and climbed down to the bottom of the room, standing on the edge of the mud lake. There were a couple of places people had stepped before, carefully considered paths. And we took those, going as far as we could without touching the never disturbed floor. It was a patchwork of cracks, and I loved the details close up, like miniature mountain ranges. We turned back to the breakdown pile and followed a path up to a new lead.

"Climbup is a dead end. But the air blows from below.
Can't find a way."Photo by Mark Ostrander. 

We crawled through the sandy dirt, uncertain we would reach anything spectacular. We reached a breakdown dead end, and Tony pushed through the rocks, feeling air flow and looking for a way onward. I stared at the fossils in the ceiling as he looked for a path, fascinated by the ancient sea relics—crinoids everywhere. I asked Mark if he was going onward, and he joked that “maybe we should read the instructions first.” I laughed. Yeah right. The instructions. If only we’d thought of that. But sure enough, the original survey team had left their instructions on a bright popsicle stick that was falling apart. They’d never found a way on.

Brandi in the giant chamber. Photo by Mark Ostrander. 

So, we turned back. We came down, and Mark took some photos of the chamber. Then, I was on a mission, entrance fever gripping me. But in this case, entrance fever was in proportion to my waning energy level and my rapidly depleting food supply. When we got back to the slopes we’d rigged before, I thought I could use my safety and climb down, but it was not to be. I realized I couldn’t reach my next footholds and would be stuck hanging in my uncomfortable webbing harness. I’d never rappelled on a Munter hitch, but it was my best option. Tony rappelled first on a Munter; nervously, I followed. It’s not exactly a controlled rappel. I hung on to the rope in my hand for dear life, and I made it down. But a Munter on 5mm rope is enough for this adrenaline junkie for a while.

I drank in the sights, not sure when or if I’d be back here. And as much as I like to visit a cave, there’s nothing like seeing daylight ahead. We made it out with a couple of hours until sunset, and the whole world seemed rich and verdant as we trudged back to the car. Though sore, tired, and out of food, I was restored.

Finally Savoring Something

I have become thrilled with all aspects of cave surveying of late. Mapping the unknown appeals to me. So, I agreed to visit my friend Mark’s latest project—Savor It Well. I knew going into the day that the hike in would be steeply downhill, so going out was guaranteed to be brutal. Still, Mark wanted people to survey, and I wanted to practice sketching. A redundant sketcher sounds like a good idea in theory, right? More than one perspective would be useful, and perhaps one sketcher could keep a running profile. I was happy with my role in the scheduled events.

So, I hiked in following Julie, carrying what seemed like all of my gear. Vertical gear, rope pads, wetsuit, sketching supplies, and my pack with essentials for the day. We could not have asked for more beautiful weather; the sunlight filtered through the trees, and the seventy-degree weather was magnificent, enough to tempt this caver into staying on the surface. But the underground beckoned.

We came across a few new possible cave entrances on the way to Savor It Well, marked them, and moved on. Adventures for another day. I donned my wetsuit at the entrance and threw the essentials into the cave pack. I was already heating up as I wrestled my vertical gear on. I know it doesn’t seem like a little wetsuit layer should turn putting a harness on into a wrestling match, but it does. I wriggled and won. Thoroughly attired, I followed Mark into a tiny crack. I don’t know how everyone else made it through. I was miserable enough, and Mark seemed to think I could mostly free climb, make my short legs reach impossible holds somehow. Nope. I rigged my rack for the six feet to the floor.

I was mostly unamused by that point. It’s a sign. You should just turn around. Back to the sunlight. But I can’t listen to that sensible inner voice. That ninny has no sense of adventure. Everyone else had already been to Savor It Well, so I followed Mark forward as they shimmied through the crack. The way onward was not intuitive. I wanted to follow a big walking passage, but the path actually took us through a small belly crawl, near the edge of a pit. I inched along with my vertical gear catching at the ledges in the floor. Mark rigged the pit with Brandon, and Julie came through to keep me company as I steadfastly refused to hang around the edges without a safety. And Mark rigged one to the bolt so that I could make the scary traverse across a stone spanning a pit, to the edge of the second drop. Mark and Brandon went down first, and there were calls for more rope pads along the way. (For non-cavers, we pad the sharp edges so that they don’t cut the rope while we are climbing back up.)

I just love when we need a ton of rope pads. Julie joked that she remembers the drop as “98 rope pads, 102 edges”. No one tells me these things until I’m right on top of them, of course. I made it this far; I’m all in. So, I rappel over the edge of the ~100 ft. drop, setting a new rope pad along the way. I land on a gravel slope where Mark and Brandon are sitting on a ledge—twenty feet from the actual floor, much to my horror.

The ledge was wide at least, but I don’t like unclipping on ledges. Period. And the gravel slope had me worried. The stones felt loose beneath my feet, and I imagined them dropping onto the floor below. I carefully scooted across the pit’s edge, to sit under a rock with Brandon. That rock was the only shelter from the incessant rain. Again, no one mentioned I’d get rained on. But I’m a tough lady. I would deal. Julie made it down to us, and we four huddled under the rock shelter to discuss survey plans. The last survey station was on this ledge, and we needed to get to the bottom of the pit. I hung out up top, sketching the drop with Mark while Brandon read the instruments and Julie set a station below.

I was relieved to finish up and get off of the crazy ledge. We set yet another rope pad at this spot. (I think that made four?) And I put my feet on solid ground. I sketched with Mark again, and we dedicated our time to moving forward into a watery, stoop-walking passage. I had a difficult time keeping up. The roar of the water made hearing readings, as the fourth person in line, nearly impossible. And I am not a fast sketcher. I don’t think I’m particularly slow, but Mark was sketching nearly as quickly as Julie and Brandon could set up stations. I trudged on, sketching as well as I could, finding Brandon and Julie were finishing out a loop. No matter how I sketched that loop, it just wasn’t closing. Mark couldn’t get it to close either. Behind on readings, sketching too slowly to keep warm and keep up, I declared myself done. A redundant sketcher is just that—redundant.

I followed the team forward, but I didn’t press a miserably watery crawl Brandon ventured toward. I would fit, but I was already shivering. The idea of lying down in water was insanity. So, I remained with the others, waiting for Brandon’s report. And it goes. However, everyone opted to explore that section on a drier day, and we finished out the loop we were in. Between the cold and futility of being there, I was miserable. I ate a snack when we popped back out in the main room, but I ran out of food. I contemplated staying put as the team pushed onward to a different passage. I was already cold following them, and this was a large room at least. But Mark and Julie encouraged me to move forward, and I pressed miserable crawly leads with Brandon. At least I moved enough to keep hypothermia at bay.

This passage, too, looped to the stream flowing toward the third drop. The water rushed around my boots, and I worried about where the water actually fell. Don’t get too close to the edge. Down is death. I held the tape and set the stations with Julie, and we stopped for the day before reaching the third drop, which was a wise decision. All of us were frozen, and none of us were ready to be pounded by a waterfall during a rappel and climb out.

I climbed out first, stopping at the 20 ft. ledge, unclipping again. Yes, my inner voice of reason and self-preservation screamed at me once more. She’s quite an unreasonable harpy.

I had to stop there because no one at the bottom could hear anything from the very top. A person on the ledge could relay information. So, I did. Julie came next, carrying a rope. And I told her to keep moving. There was no sense in getting off of the rope and letting me on. So, she did, after some trouble with the rope pad, which had to be tied to the rope.

I had planned to pass it like a knot. She took it off, planning to put it back in place. I agreed to take over that job, silently dreading my role. I waited until she got off rope, then I crept to the edge, velcroing the pad in place and tying it back to the rope. Then, I sat back, scared to move and knock rocks onto my friends below. Mark weighted the rope, and of course, the pad was too low then. My heart sank as the rope rubbed the edge, and I shouted for Mark to stop climbing. I crawled to the edge once more, pulling the rope pad higher, cursing the situation in general and releasing my ire entirely upon that poor rope pad.

When Mark reached the edge, I was still only a few feet away, terrified to move and accidentally brain him with a rock. The only words I said to him were significant ones, “I’m ready to be off of this ledge now.” I imagine this came out firmly, in a determined voice. More likely, I squeaked the words at Mark, and my skin was a shade lighter than pale, so he handed the rope off to me after he landed on the ledge.

I frogged up in my wetsuit, the motion rubbing the backs of my knees, keeping my joints from bending right. Wetsuits aren’t made for caving. Fifty feet up, I saw what I couldn’t see from the floor. The rope rubbed one of those countless ledges. Please don’t be rubbing my rope. I frogged as gently, as gracefully as I have ever done, until I could see the spot and determine that my rope wasn’t damaged. Able to inhale completely, I continued onward, negotiating the edge without issue and traversing the pit’s lintel once more. Then, I reached Julie, and we moved forward through the crawl. And after my spirits were drained away, leeched out of me by the numbing cold, she was still animated and happy to carry the conversation.

Earlier in the day, I had warned her of my arachnophobia, lest she wonder at my horror of crayfish and spiders. And I am relieved I did so. The eight-legged horrors had been busy as we explored and surveyed. She knocked six webs down, just calmly telling me to stay put. She found three more after. I thought that the bone-chilling cold was the last straw, but, no, Mark bringing me to an awful place where spiders seal you in with their webs—that’s the last straw. I am eternally grateful to anyone who saves me from the spiders. Seriously. So, I was concerned when Julie began protesting at Mark’s rigging as she tried to exit the cave.

I normally just curse my way out of such situations, but she reiterated, “This is not how I rig this spot. We are definitely showing Mark how this spot has to be rigged before we leave.” Her way is constructive, but maybe less satisfying and humorous for those below. I was at a loss for how to help her from below, but she didn’t really need my help. She wiggled her hips through the crack until she found a way through. I had to do the same constrictive dance, and we were out in twilight.

I was relieved to be done, and we dreamt on possible food. Pizza is my dream food after a rough survey day. I stripped off my wetsuit and was dismayed to discover that I didn’t have a dry shirt left. The sopping wet ones had no appeal, so I was gearing up to hike out in my sports bra when Julie saved me from a cold evening, handing me a shirt. I thought the guys would be along shortly, but night fell. There was no food left. My dreams of pizza became a raging need for it. And Mark and Brandon finally emerged—too late for us to acquire my food. When they were all packed up, we prepared to don our gear and hike/climb out. (For the record, on the way in, my pack felt like ½ a Brandi.) But all of that gear was now wet. And as I swung my pack on, for the first time in my life, I fell over backward with it. Yep. That happened. I was at the hysterical laughter portion of the day, so I laughed at myself with everyone and slowly rose with my ¾-a-Brandi-weight pack.

You’re thinking by now that this tale has to end, right? Surely the misery is over? No. This day just kept on giving. We hiked at a steep angle out of the sink, and I groused the whole way, naturally. Brandon kept saying that we were almost at the old logging trail. Almost. After the third time he said that, I started shouting back about the “mythical” logging trail. We eventually hit a level patch, but that was almost out on the main road. There’s simply no easy way out of that sink.

When we got back to our vehicles, I was paranoid as I stripped because this road was well traveled. That’s just what I need—to have to explain to some cop why I’m topless on the side of the road. So, I speedily stripped and hastened to throw clothes back on. Meanwhile, Julie and Brandon were complimentary about Savor It Well, already planning a trip back. I just looked at Mark and said, “I love you, Mark, but I’m not coming back.”

In the car, on our way to civilization, to amenities like cereal and milk, Julie joked, “What? You didn’t savor it well?” I let my voice drip with sarcasm as I settled back in the seat and said, “I’m finally savoring something.”